News Of The Weird, 2012: Music Edition

Tommy “The Southie Mole Man” Shaw (former STYX guitarist/singer/songwriter) has spent the most of the last 25 years compulsively digging elaborate tunnels underneath his home in east Boston. Shaw disappeared from the scene in late 1988 and hasn’t been heard from since. His immediate family members had him declared legally dead after his home exploded due to a supposedly faulty propane leak. It was recently discovered that Shaw actually faked his own death after spending years digging a subterranean habitat for him and his cats (of which he has 9).

His daughter, Josie Shaw-McLiven, discovered her father’s underground secret by stumbling across a homemade ‘pothole’ Shaw had crafted out of old Damn Yankee vinyl LP’s and mud. Lifting the pothole she slid down a small tunnel and entered her dad’s ‘great room’, which consisted of a few wine barrels, a fire pit and an old sleep therapy mattress.

Shaw, severely dehydrated and almost unrecognizable due to the massive facial and scalp hair he acquired during his quarter century stay underground (see attached photo), was subsequently committed to the Metro Boston Mental Health Unit at Lamuel Shattuck Hospital.

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In July Alice Cooper was taken into custody in Brunswick, Maine, after police found him in the bottom of a portable toilet on a golf course. When pulled from the pit toilet, Cooper admitted to having an “outhouse problem.”

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Southeast Michigan police say a man identifying himself as That Singer From Journey called authorities on June 25th, 2012 and complained that a 19-year-old Ohio woman he agreed to pay for sex with raised the price after accepting his money.

Police said the 51-year-old singer and young woman spoke online and confirmed a price for her services, but the woman changed the price after Perry reportedly paid her.

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In August of this year a man claiming he was a famous musician allegedly stole a bag of marijuana from a police station because he couldn’t resist the fragrance.

Keith Richards, 69, allegedly pilfered pot that had been taken into the Charleroi Regional police department as evidence. According to a police report, Richards arrived at the station to inform an officer about an unspecified case. During their conversation, he absentmindedly followed the officer into a patrol room and snatched the bag of weed off the counter. When an officer confronted Richards outside the station, police said he handed over the bag and said, “I just couldn’t help myself. That bud smelled so good.”

*Ok, a little disclaimer is needed, I reckon. Last time I did this I received many angry emails from people all over the world who were pissed that I would report what were obviously bogus stories about there favorite musicians and bands. Some even believed these bogus stories and reposted them on other sites as gospel. Come on, people, I’m just havin’ a little fun! Don’t take life too seriously. But just in case, let me remind everyone reading this that the above are totally fictional accounts. This is satire, not reality. If I offend anyone, well, aw shucks, I feel terrible. –Uncle E

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