How to get featured on WordPress.com’s “Freshly Pressed”

Rule #1. Talk about cheese. Wax poetic on the joys of making your own Asiago, gush over the flavor party that is Gouda, bash the poor downtrodden and pedestrian Swiss, debate over the olfactory overload that is Limburger. The more exotic the better, with special bonus points for mentioning any cheese originating from the Middle East (Kashta, Akkawi, and so on).

Rule #2. Post pictures of your travels, the less exotic and foreign the better. Next time you go shopping at Trader Joe’s, make sure you bring your camera!

Rule #3. Write reviews of particularly terrible, but currently popular, musicians. I use the term “musicians” loosely, as most of the drek that gets the Freshly Pressed editor’s juice really a-flowin’ are assembly line twaddle that the majority of us will forget ever existed in about 6-month’s time.

Rule #4. Write reviews on particularly terrible, but currently popular, movies. For an explanation, refer to #3 above.

Rule #5. Talk about your past, no matter how boring. High school reunion posts are especially popular! Did your BFF get fat? How fat? And, man, is that really the guy you had a crush on all those many years ago? What’s with that skin-tag on the right side of his neck all about? Ewwwwwwww!!!!

Rule #6. Use. Lots. Of. Periods. In. The. Title. Of. Your. Blog. Entry. It’s. Arty. And.Will.Get.You.Noticed.

Rule #7. Have an operation recently? JACKPOT! Describe it in detail: the symptoms leading up to the procedure (use words and phrases like “gassy”, “oily discharge”, “orifice”, etc—it’ll help a lot!). And, once more, if the doctor’s will let you, have your spouse take pictures and post them on a separate tab.

Rule #8. Bad poetry rules! “Oh, WordPress, oh WordPress, how I love thee! Thou pickest the bestest posttests to post!” The more sappy and sickly sweet the better, my man!

Rule #9. Document your struggle with a particular phobia, the more ridiculous the better. Afraid of big words? I want to hear about it! Got a fear of bathing? I want to read how you smell! Afflicted with arachibutyrophobia (peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth)? Mmmmnnn, tasty!

Rule #10. Don’t ever, EVER, publish a post like this.

Runners Up: Soft and buttery anything; cute doggies and fluffy cats; The Grammy’s; anything using the word ‘enchantment’ in the title; glass blowing.

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