Music News Of The Weird: U.K. Edition

Once again, the prolific Mr. Haines!

Cerne (Switzerland)

New research project for Halon Collider.

Following their ground-breaking work attempting to make one piece of incredibly small matter smash into another similarly minute particle, scientists will insert U2’s latest album in the 20+ mile long tunnel where it will be whizzed around at high speed.

The hope is that this will give a fascinating glimpse into what conditions were like at a time billions of years ago when the band had any relevance..


Voyager Enters Deep Space.

Attached to the side of this distant craft is a gold disc containing the myriad sounds of planet Earth and, thoughtfully, instructions on how to play it. The method is the same as an old fashioned gramophone record but the boffins had better hope that the craft, if found, is intact and complete, otherwise we can expect some very pissed off aliens having to travel 30m light years to find a store that sells styli. God knows it’s hard enough for locals. It’s feared that an exchange or store credit may not be sufficient to pacify them.

PAPUA (New Guinea)

Red Hot Chilli Peppers Play To Lost Tribe.

The pioneering Peppers played to an only recently discovered tribe this month.

The Omygawdno people have lived in the sub-equatorial rain forest for thousands of years without contact with the outside world. After finishing their set, the Omygawdno’s tribal leader was asked for his opinion on the band’s work; “They’re ok,” he said, “but do they only know one song or does all their music just sound the same?”

LONDON (England)

Wii Are Not Amused.

HMV, one of the UK’s largest multi-media retailers were besieged by angry Wii console owners following the release of ‘Be Like Robbie’, an interactive game where participants croon along to Robbie Williams’ greatest hits and get to be ‘just like him’. Oxford Street’s flagship store Manager Dave Fastbuck stated; “Punters seem to be annoyed that rather than being able to imitate him, the game seems to be stealing ideas from them.” Robbie Williams was unavailable for comment but an ansaphone message at his address said; “Leave any ideas after the tone and I’ll cover them later.”


Stones Play Beijing.

Rock wrinklies The Rolling Stones played to an invited audience in the Chinese capital earlier this month. Some concessions were made to the still hard-line regime, Honky Tonk Women became ‘Valued Member of The Honky Tonk Collective’ and ‘Time Is On My Side’ was only slightly amended to ‘The Current Seven Year Plan Is Expected To Smash All Targets and Bring The Triumph Of Socialism Closer.’

After the gig, the band posed for photographs beside the embalmed body of long dead Chairman of The Party, Mao Tse Tung. It was generally agreed that of those photographed, Richards looked the least life-like.