Comments Hall Of Fame, Entry #II

One of the most satisfying and rewarding parts of maintaining a blog like this are the comments. People who feel strongly about their music are usually not afraid to voice their opinion, a fact that has, over 600+ comments later, brought me great enjoyment.  A while ago I posted longtime friend Philbert’s rant on what he considers some terrible albums. Recently, though, that story has been resurrected via the comment section and remains one of the top destination sites on this here little blog. Now, for your enjoyment, I’ll repost Phil’s original tirade along with the comments.

The Grand Illusion – Styx (aaarrrrghhhh!!!! Somebody strangle that little f#@*er!)

Frampton Comes Alive – Peter Frampton (I don’t care how much it sold, this is a shit album)

Saturday Night Fever – Soundtrack I personally sold this to thousands of people when I worked in record stores, and as I took their money I silently cursed them; praying for a pox upon their head and that they, DEAR GOD, PLEASE, didn’t procreate. I bet Sarah Palin lost her virginity to this record… when she was 9.

Saved – Bob Dylan People who know me know that I worship Zimmy… but this may be the worst record ever made. I don’t even think Jesus liked this album. And, f*$k, the cover art!

Death Of A Ladies Man – Leonard Cohen Lenny is my hero… but Phil Spector actually held a gun to his head and forced him to make this record. It has some redeeming value, I mean the lyrics are brilliant, of course, and Allen Ginsberg and Bob Dylan sing backup on Don’t Go Home With Your Hard On… thus being a single occasion when the three greatest Jewish poets sang together – but, otherwise this record is unlistenable.

Their Satanic Majesties Request – The Rolling Stones Sorry guys, this was puerile crap. A great blues-based, R&B, rock and roll band suddenly going all poofie psychedelic… when one of the best songs was written by Bill Wyman, you know you’re fucked. Yes, “She’s A Rainbow” was saved by Nicky Hopkins’ piano, but the rest was dredge.

Whatever The F*#k That Christopher Cross Album was Called – I refuse to even TRY to remember the name of that record. When I get in an elevator with this crap playing (and it always is) I pray the cable snaps and ends my misery.

All The Post-Peter Green Fleetwood Mac Records – Bob Welch was a pussy. He was a bigger pussy than Stevie Nicks, but not as big a pussy as Lindsey Buckingham. Somehow, a side effect of cocaine use was temporarily making you believe this was good stuff. If the government really cared about us, they would have legalized cocaine and banned Fleetwood Crap.

Paranoid – Black Sabbath – I swear to God, I bought this record, took it home, put the needle down and heard some brain-dead English wanker say, “I am the Iron Man…” three notes and I ripped it off the turntable and frisbeed it across the street into a telephone pole.

Never Mind The Bollocks – The Sex Pistols Heresy! How can I dis this historic record? Easy. It stunk. I know, it was supposed to stink, I get it… I got it… if you listened to it more than once then you’re probably a masochist. It was a joke, a bad joke, a statement as pretentious, arty and cute as any ever made… which was exactly the opposite of what it claimed to be… or was it? Whatever. Bad record. Although, it did prove the democracy of rock and roll… you didn’t really need to know how to play… attitude goes a long way, but we’re talking records here. Seriously, do you ever play it? Really? Do you put on Metal Machine Music too? Wow. That’s some serious shit.

KISS – I don’t know the names of any Kiss albums. That fact alone should merit my entry to Heaven.

Boston – If the band was named after a city or midwestern state (Chicago, Kansas, etc.) they have exposed themselves as unoriginal and pedestrian schlockmeisters. Again, I don’t care how many records they sold… people buy crap.

AC/DC – Sorry. Don’t get it. Don’t want it. In fact, if they have a shot for it, I’ll take it.

John “Cougar” Mellancamp, Bob Seger, et al. We have Bruce Springsteen. We don’t need you guys. Go away.

Pronounced Leh-nerd Skin-erd – Lynyrd Skynyrd – Not all plane crashes are bad. What’s that smell? The stench of every note these redneck dipwads ever played.

Madonna Records – I admire any chick who can sing with a ball gag in her mouth, but I don’t have to listen to her albums. If her tits could carry a note, we’d have something!

Sheik Yerbouti – Frank Zappa I don’t know… realizing that one of rock’s most brilliant minds and musical geniuses was content to make records for 13-year-old boys to snigger to was somewhat depressing. It was the guys in the Camaros and wearing heavy doses of Hai Karate who bought this record… the same guys Frank was poking fun at – the irony was great, but the subject matter was getting old and stale.

Do Ya Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart – This is exactly what the Sex Pistols were revolting against. Unfortunately, two wrongs…

The Gambler – Kenny Rogers – Kenny Rogers single-handedly killed Country & Western music. I know what he did wasn’t C&W, but people thought it was. Despicable.

Tequila Sunrise – The Eagles I’ve softened to this band over the years, but the reality of it was that they made arrogantly pretentious music to snort coke to… like the drug, pleasantly numbing but soulless… in retrospect I can sort of enjoy it, but I shouldn’t.

Cat Scratch Fever – Ted Nugent Why couldn’t he have been touring with Skynyrd and gone down in that plane too?

I could go on and on… now, if I’ve offended you by naming some of your favorite albums… well, just consider the source. What do I know?

15 Responses to Worst Albums Ever?

  1. NIK |

I’ll go with most of your list, but hey, I still listen to the Sex Pistols — is it a technically GREAT album? No, but it’s got a lot of spunk behind it so to speak, and I love John Lydon, the only actual “talent’ in the band. It’s still a great punk album, although not THE greatest.

  1. ianbalentine |

Nik, this ain’t my list. The Bollocks album is one of the defining albums of my youth. This is a friend/fellow blogger guesting here.

  1. NIK |

Hey, nobody told me I had to read before I commented!

I love that line about the Sex Pistols being pretentious and arty. I am so with him on that. Where I beg to differ is the item about John Mellencamp — he’s got it backasswards: We have John Mellencamp, we don’t need Bruce Springsteen.

Otherwise — and I hate to say this because it will make Philbert even smugger and more obnoxious than usual — this list is SPOT ON.

Well… I could be more obnoxious… I just have trouble working up the energy. Although, I’m right about Springsteen.
Oh, and Ian, I agree that Rush is the greatest rock band to come out of Canada. But, that’s like saying Senor Pedro’s Falafel Stand is the best Mexican restaurant in Beirut.
See, Holly? Never underestimate the depths of my obnoxibility!

  1. ianbalentine |

Good to have you back, Phil. By the way, you movin to ‘Frisco, or what? If so, well, we’ll have lunch!

  1. nick haines |

You’ve gone for some pretty obvious targets, of which some I agree with.
You have however ommitted some other prime contenders.
1) Beefheart’s Trout Mask Replica
2) This Heat: Deceit
3) ATV: Vibing Up Senile Man
4) Clash: All albums after first
5) Uriah Heep: All without exception

Listen to any of these and you will see what I mean.

Well, Nick. I’m a big Beefheart fan so I have to disagree with you on that… though, I will admit that I rarely spin Trout Mask anymore… still, I’m a surrealist at heart.
I agree with you on The Clash (again, heresy on Uncle E’s blog).
Uriah Heep were a strange anomaly that I basically ignored and I never even heard the other two records you mention. So, I’ll trust you on those. Are there any Beefheart records you liked? Just curious… Trout Mask was meant to be the least accessible. I think Zappa (who produced) just wanted to make a record as far out of the mainstream as possible. Then, he turned around a produced Grand Funk Railroad! Probably the most vanilla and commercial “hard rock” band ever! Go figure.

  1. nick haines |

Philberto;
Re Beefheart…he’s also responsible for one of rock’s greatest albums..Clear Spot. Available I think with the almost as good Spotlight Kid on dbl cd.
Glad you avoided Uriah Heep…keep it that way for your own mental well-being! (Had the embarrasment of meeting one of the band’s parents in a hotel. They heard that I was in a band and went on to tell me about their son…was VERY difficult to stay polite!) Zappa is an enigma wrapped up in a mystery..or something like that..Peaches en Regalia is one of the best bits of guitar ever..but BOY could he suck! He talked a better game than he played.

Clear Spot was brilliant! Yeah, Zappa was sort of a neighborhood guy when I was growing up. The Mothers played their first gig at the Broadside in Pomona (which was across the street from my best friend’s house) so, we all loved him. I lost interest in Frank in the late ’70s and ’80s… all that “Bobby Brown Went Down” crap was just silly. I still believe he was a monster composer/musician… but, had no real focus later in his career. The “Freak Out”, “Absolutely Free”, “We’re Only In It For The Money”, “Lumpy Gravy”, “Uncle Meat” era stands with any 5-LP run of anybody in history. Well, I think so anyway… of course, I’ve been wrong lots of times.

  1. nick haines |

Maybe one of the reasons I felt such a vehement loathing for Trout Mask was my own disappointment at having been duped by the music press.
In 1976 when I bought the album, the bands I most cherished were Halfnelson/Sparks, Velvet Underground, Neil Young, Sex Pistols, Ramones. The press had for some time held TMR as the pinnacle of creative rock music and I felt duty bound to investigate. I tried really really hard to like it but I think that it was Hair Pie (Bake 1 or 2?) that convinced me that this was a case of The Emperor’s New Clothes and a prime example as to why artists should NOT be given total artistic control!
As we have agreed however, Clear Spot was a masterpiece. I returned..albeit unwillingly to the Captain on the recommendation of some friends in Edinburgh who had formed a band called The Fire Engines.
Whilst they didn’t sound a whole lot like Beefheart, you could detect the influence in the rhythms and dischords and timings. I listened to Clear Spot and…hell..songs with tunes you could hum..Pop! (I’m afraid that if a song doesn’t have a tune I can hum or a beat I can bop to..I don’t really want to know!)
One song I saw Beefheart perform on TV I incorporated into my own composition..”This Was The Day” I think it wa called….a stunning performance and a touching song. Do you know which album it’s on?
As for 5 LP runs..hell, most of the bands I like only last 1 or 2 total, let alone runs!! (Halfnelson/Sparks maybe? 1st album/woofer in tweeters/kimono my house/propoganda/indiscreet….not a bad sequence.

  1. nick haines |

Maybe one of the reasons I felt such a vehement loathing for Trout Mask was my own disappointment at having been duped by the music press.
In 1976 when I bought the album, the bands I most cherished were Halfnelson/Sparks, Velvet Underground, Neil Young, Sex Pistols, Ramones. The press had for some time held TMR as the pinnacle of creative rock music and I felt duty bound to investigate. I tried really really hard to like it but I think that it was Hair Pie (Bake 1 or 2?) that convinced me that this was a case of The Emperor’s New Clothes and a prime example as to why artists should NOT be given total artistic control!
As we have agreed however, Clear Spot was a masterpiece. I returned..albeit unwillingly to the Captain on the recommendation of some friends in Edinburgh who had formed a band called The Fire Engines.
Whilst they didn’t sound a whole lot like Beefheart, you could detect the influence in the rhythms and dischords and timings. I listened to Clear Spot and…hell..songs with tunes you could hum..Pop! (I’m afraid that if a song doesn’t have a tune I can hum or a beat I can bop to..I don’t really want to know!)
One song I saw Beefheart perform on TV I incorporated into my own composition..”This Was The Day” I think it wa called….a stunning performance and a touching song. Do you know which album it’s on?
As for 5 LP runs..hell, most of the bands I like only last 1 or 2 total, let alone runs!! (Halfnelson/Sparks maybe? 1st album/woofer in tweeters/kimono my house/propoganda/indiscreet….not a bad sequence.
nick

  1. nick haines |

whoops!
I may feel strongly on the matter but not so strongly as to post twice!
sorry!

If it’s worth saying, it’s worth saying twice… just ask Bono.

  1. nick haines |

Have been thinking.
The albums cited, yes many have indeed been abominations but none I feel plumb the depths quite as badly as………Chicago VII.
Forgot about that little beauty. Was conned at school into swapping it for something of mine..forget what. I desperately wanted to ‘get into proper music’ The stuff the older kids listened to…..Oh My God.
What a pile of excrement it was. In a way it may have been a good thing that I heard it for whilst I was still to find out what I truly loved, I had a pretty good idea about what I really hated!!
Chicago VII….aaaarrgh!

Philberto

I never, never, ever understood why Chicago was allowed to continue turning out their schlock. To this day, I’m confounded. I consider myself a musical eclectic… I enjoy some of the old Big Band recordings, I can at least understand their appeal (dance music of its day)… and “horn bands” were OK if they had a little soul or funk to ’em. But Chicago was the most banal, puerile crap to ever be foisted on the public. Their first album, CTA, was over-indulgence personified. A new group being afforded a double LP on their first release was unheard of, and for good reason. If they had stopped with their first one, or with Chicago II, I would have said, “OK, I get it. A novelty band. It was nice that they re-introduced sophisticated arrangements to Rock. Fine.” But the SONGS were vapid, blank, hymns to mediocrity. I remember going to see Don Ellis’ big band in the very early ’70s and being blown away (pardon the imagery)… it was one of the first attempts at “fusion” jazz and was really just dynamic arrangements with a little “Rock” attitude. A million times more interesting than anything Chicago could ever imagine.

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