T$#T Of The Year Award

…well, that was a long meeting!

Just been busy with work, home life, you know, the usual shit. But all of a sudden a thought occurred to me, an oversight that I needed to post right away. After all those year end lists and end of decade lists I forgot to announce my “Twat Of The Year” award. Billy Corgan came in Second, just nudging out Michael Stipe, who came in third. But one individual stood out as the biggest twat, and it was not anything specific he did in 2009, either. This individual is just an idiot supreme and just to look at him makes one want to hurl chunks. His stupid hats, his stupid shirts, his stupid flip-flops, his stupid…everything. And to think that he was a member of one of the most beloved rock groups of all time makes this very sad indeed.

So (drumroll…BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR)

Announcing the winner of Uncle E’s Musical Nightmare’s prestigious Twat Of The Year Award, in his 42nd consecutive year with this honor, is Mr. Hawaiian Shirt himself, Mike Love!!! (cue polite applause).

I guess I am not alone. A few minutes trolling the web for ammo and I come back with a veritable cornucopia of dirt on the guy. Hey, I just thought he shat on the Beach Boys legacy!

He apparently beat his wife.

He rewrote the Leiber/Stoller song “Riot in Cell Block 9″ into the song “Student Demonstration Time”, which sucks ass, yet somehow made it onto the Surf’s Up album while excellent songs by Dennis such as “4th of July” and “Fallin’ in Love” stayed in the can. (Of course, Dennis got the ultimate revenge agains his longtime foe by marrying Mike’s illegitimate daughter and giving him a grandson just to piss him off.)…but wait, there’s more!!

  • His cousin Stan, along with Rocky Pamplin, kicked down Dennis’ door and beat the shit out of him, messing up his larnyx and ruining his voice.
  • He really got into transcendental meditation, and just wouldn’t stop writing shitty songs about it.
  • He pushed a very obviously mentally ill and terrified Brian onstage as part of the “Brian’s Back!” campaign, and even wrote a song called “Brian’s Back” in which he pretended to like him.
  • He’s an alleged racist.
  • He’s a right-wing Republican, but he did give $5000 in start-up capital to Tipper Gore to start up the PMRC to censor pop music.
  • He thinks no one will notice he’s bald if he just keeps wearing a hat.
  • He created a TV miniseries full of revisionist history to glorify his own contributions to the band and take credit for a lot of things he never actually did. He also used it to give the impression that John Lennon wanted to jam with him, although Lennon is quoted as calling him a “jerk”.
  • He sued Brian over songwriting credits he claimed he never received, which might have been due to his not actually having done the songwriting he claims to have done.
  • He did do a little songwriting, which used all kinds of hip slang that didn’t age well at all and sounds retarded years later. And his onstage patter was lame and unfunny.
  • He keeps suing poor Al every time he tries to tour.
  • He was a real dick to lyricist Van Dyke Parks during the Smile era, and even 20 years later, took a cheap shot at him on the “Wipeout” single the Beach Boys did with the Fat Boys.
  • He introduced himself to Sean O’Hagan of the High Llamas, a huge Beach Boys fan who Bruce Johnston brought in to produce an album for them, by saying, as soon as he met him at the airport, “You’re English, right? Aren’t all you English guys fags?”
  • He went on a drunken, bizarre, classless rant when the band was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, calling out the Beatles, Mick Jagger, Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, the Supremes, and possibly the MC5, for no discernible reason.
  • His solo albums suck, even for Beach Boys solo albums, which mostly kind of suck to start with.
  • He is responsible for “Kokomo”. And he’s proud of it.
  • He just plain has one of those thin-lipped humourless-asshole-looking faces you want to punch.
  • He’s still alive, while Dennis and Carl are dea
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