“Anybody who thinks Will Smith is a great actor truly has his head stuck up his piehole.”

You may remember one Mr. Alan Williamson. He’s the guy that posts horrendously stupid album reviews on amazon.com, often lambasting the most critically acclaimed while praising the sublimely ridiculous. I posted about this guy a while back and I thought it time to take another look at some of his most recent musings. He has branched out and is now posting reviews on books, toys and electronic items as well with some really side splitting results.


AMAZON PROFILE: “My favorite bands are Mike and the Mechanics, Hanson, Del Amitri and New Kids on the Block. My all time hero is Terry Wogan. I’m a fair man but I don’t suffer fools gladly.”

(On “Oscar Wilde Discovers America: A Novel:”): “The idea that Mr Wilde discovered America is clearly too absurd to warrant a novel which anybody will find plausible. This book is offensive to the descendants of Christopher Columbus. Mr Wilde never did anything of any note other than write some unfunny plays and get himself thrown in prison. Avoid.”

(On the movie “Mannequin”): “Sometimes even I get tired of chasing the ladies – and you know how much I love the ladies – and I find myself watching this film and wishing that I could get it together with a nice shop dummy who comes to life every now and again. I could keep her in a cupboard.”

(On the children’s book, “Where Is Baby’s Belly Button?”): “Although this was fun while it lasted, I can’t help but feel there was a lack of any real challenge in this book. You can see it on the front cover for Pete’s sake! Stick to Where’s Waldo.”

(On the Marvin Gaye classic “What’s Going On”): “A perennial favourite of the chattering classes, I purchased this hoping for some high quality soul music of a similar style to the excellent Lighthouse Family – sadly there is no comparison. Firstly there are only 9 songs compared to a whopping 17 on the Very Best of the Lighthouse Family, so it’s easy to see where to go for value for money. Secondly, Mr Gayes’ anti war sentiments seem somewhat naïve and foolish in today’s political climate. Thirdly, Mr Gaye can’t sing and has to resort to shock tactics such as singing in a high voice like a lady in order to sell records. No wonder his career ground to a halt in the early 80’s! Verdict: avoid.”

(On Bob Marley’s comp album “Legend”): “Most of the songs here are pleasant enough but Mr Marley is no Chaka Demus and Pliers. It is also disappointing to note that Mr Marley reportedly took drugs during his lifetime.”

(On “Help” by The Beatles”): While not quite as bad as some of the stinkers which were to follow, this is another terrible effort by the so-called fab four. Yesterday is instantly forgettable, Dizzy Miss Lizzy sounds like it could have been written in the 50’s and Ticket to Ride is an insult to my ears quite frankly. As usual, I did enjoy Ringo’s excellent drumming and I liked the song Act Naturally. For shame!”

(On the Proclaimers Greatest Hits):  “The Best of the Best! It’s a popular truism that everyone has a favourite Proclaimer and personally I’ve always fallen firmly into the Craig camp – however lets all just agree once and for all that they were a fantastic duo who made great music and leave it at that. No more fighting over this please.”

And now for some of the angry responses from readers who actually believe that this guy’s for real…like I did!

“This reviewer is a retard…comparing some Jennifer Aniston movie to Waterfront is the emperor slumming in clothes he got at the homeless shelter.” (Here he compares On The Waterfront to a Jennifer Anniston movie)

They are NOT ladies. Check out their other works such as This Time Around, and Underneath, or The Walk. Not LADIES!” (Mr. Williamson refers to the brothers Hansen as “lovely ladies” in his review”)

“No, no, no. McLean isn’t referring to Buddy Holly as Miss American Pie. That would indeed be ludicrous. American Pie is the American dream, that safe teenage American middle class happy life, summed up in one phrase. Buddy Holly’s death destroys that life for McLean and introduces stark reality all of a sudden. It’s called a ‘metaphor’.”

(Williamson states in his review of Don Mclean’s American Pie: “Why is it that Mr McLean feels it necessary to repeatedly refer to the late Buddy Holly as ‘Miss American Pie’.”

“Anybody who thinks Will Smith is a great actor truly has his head stuck up his piehole.”