Satan’s Cheez Whiz

Cheeze_WhizFrom Dante’s Divine Comedy… 



“Through me you pass into the city of woe:
Through me you pass into eternal pain:
Through me among the people lost for aye.

Before me things create were none, save things
Eternal, and eternal I endure.
Abandon all hope ye who enter here.”

These are the songs of the damned, my friends. Wretched little anomalies that  should never have seen the light of day but did; songs and artists so cheesy  they make you wish for lactose intolerance. I suppose one could say these are “guilty pleasures”, but I would opt for just plain “guilty”. Many of the following songs were, inexplicably, giant hits in their time which just goes to reiterate my lack of faith with the general record buying public. Sometimes one of these songs is so cheesy they become little cult favorites, but those are few and far between with most wallowing on the ledge of the sixth level of musical Hell for all eternity. Their odious melodious crimes too great to be forgiven, they are forever banished to the rock and roll Pit Of Despair and justifiably so.

So without further adieu here are my picks of some of the worst musical crimes of the past half century or so. Enter at your own risk…

Rupert Holmes, The Pina Colada Song: No song in the history of music has conveyed the 70’s coke-addled, white afro touting, astrological chain wearing, swingin’ lifestyle in a more disgusting manner than this. Here’s a snippet of the lyrics:

I was tired of my lady
We’d been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read:

“If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you’d like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Write to me and escape.”

Oh God, I think I just through up a little in my mouth…give me a minute will ya?
Starship, We Built This City: This tops my list of Worst Songs Of All Time, period, but what makes this crime even more vile is the fact that the Band Formerly Known As The Jefferson Airplane used to be quite excellent. Groundbreaking one could even argue. And then…this. This piece of unadulterated dog crap, a 3 minute synopsis of everything that is wrong with the music industry, the best example of a band selling out their history for a few bucks. Bernie Taupin, who helped pen this monstrosity, should have had his writing hand chopped into a million pieces for this. The band would go on to redeem itself with the wonderful Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now from the hit film Mannequin (sarcasm! sarcasm!). Like cigarettes, this song should have a warning label on it that tells of the terrible effects listening to this song causes the average listener, and it should be banned from all public places. “Warning: Second hand listening can cause hemorrhages in the ear canals.”

Poison, Every Rose Has It’s Thorn: What the hell can I say about this? It’s just f*&ckin’ awful…bands like these are the reason I got into punk.

The Crash Test Dummies, “Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm”: A chorus that stays with you like an infectious disease and a singer who sounds like Snuffy the Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street. This song killed radio for me. The “underground/alternative” rock stations played it to death, something that still baffles me to this day. I would rather be stricken with a stigmata than be forced to listen to this dreck again.

Terry Jacks, Seasons In The Sun: Has a more depressing song ever gone to #1? I will now officially change the lyrics of this song to “Goodbye my friend it’s TIME to die”. I had a friend who also changed the chorus. His version? “We had joy, we had fun/sticking fingers up our bums/but the pain was too strong/’cause our fingers were too long.” *

*Courtesy of Hugh G. Rection and The Sexual Experience.

Starland Vocal Band, Afternoon Delight: A song about a “quikie” during one’s lunch break had sooooo much potential! However, this bland tofu of a song deserves the derision it has received over the years, and although it was used to hilarious effect in the film Anchorman a few years ago it still doesn’t make up for it’s overall shittiness.

The Proclaimers, I Would Walk 500 Miles: Can’t say much about this other than…oh, I just can’t bring myself to comment. Gag. Ok, one thing: this song makes one wish that King Longshanks had won the battle for Scotland back in the day so these two identical puftas would never have picked up a guitar in the first place.

Billy Joel, We Didn’t Start The Fire: If there was any doubt and if you need proof that this guy squandered what little talent he had during the 80’s, look no further than this trash riddled, synth driven, cliché ridden piece of pop pabulum. Simply God awful.

Of course there’s more, much more, but let’s stop here, shall we? I’m getting canker sores in my mouth and I think I need a shot of antibiotics.