A Genius At Work (Or Play…)

big20smileA long, long time ago in a blogosphere far, far away I composed a post on the brilliance of one “Alan Williamson” who has been terrorizing the Amazon universe by way of phony album reviews. These are bogus opinions meant to incite die hard fans, and I was one of his victims. Once you’re in on the joke, though, it’s hard not to admire this villian. He bags on the good stuff and raves about the horrible stuff, and the comments he receives are a freakin’ hoot. Mine included.

Here are a few of his more incindiary “reviews” for your viewing pleasure…

*On Kelly Clarkson’s “Because Of Me”: I like to spend many a night listening to this song and imagining that the lovely Miss Clarkson is singing it about me, before gently crying myself to sleep. One day I hope to marry either Miss Clarkson, Delta Goodrem or the one who did the song about 5 million bycicles in Beijing.

*On “Purple Rain” by Prince”: …particularly one who falsely refers to himself as a prince and who produces trash like this. When Doves Cry is an unashamed rip off of MC Hammer’s excellent Pray and the title track is far too long for my liking. Save your money.

…and here’s one of the comments: “You’re smoking crack you idiot!!!!! M.C Hammer ripped that cut from prince you moron!!! ”

*On “Astral Weeks” by Van Morrison: You’d have to be an absolute idiot to enjoy this. It doesn’t even have Brown Eyed Girl which is the only half decent thing Mr Morrison ever did. And what sort of name is Van? Stick to Ronan Keating for that bit of Irish soul.

…and a sample comment: “Who is this loser that thinks his opinion is the only one worth anything? Calling anyone who enjoys this an idiot? “It doesn’t even have Brown Eyed Girl”. Are you slow in the head or just too dumb and selfish to know that this is a different album with different songs?
Oh wait, I forgot; it’s because you think it’s everyone else’s fault that you don’t understand anything. You probably get that a lot, don’t you? Get used to it…
There’s more soul in this album than you will EVER be ready to accept, share or even recognize.

*On Shakin’ Stevens, “The Collection”: The word ‘genius’ is thrown around all too easily these days but few would deny it sits very comfortably on Stevens shakin’ shoulders. If the youth of today stopped listening to 50 cent and gave stuff like this a chance there might be some hope for them.

*On the Stone Roses debut: When Mike & The Mechanics ushered in the `Madchester’ scene with The Living Years it was only a matter of time before these jokers attempted to jump on the bandwagon. If you want to be adored you should write some decent songs lads!
Verdict: don’t waste your money.

…and a reader comment: “Mike and the Mechanics and Madchester in the same sentence. What medication are you on? Next I suppose you’ll tell us the Rolling Stones were part of Merseybeat!!! I grew up in MANCHESTER; Manny (on Bass) lived in the same street as me. This is great music, Mike and the Mechanics is old fart material.”

*On Ringo Starr’s “Blast From Your Past”: He’s Done It Again!! While much praise was heaped on the nonsensical Mr Lennon, anonymous Mr Harrison and Mr McCartney who only got good once he left Beatles, those in the know realised Ringo was the only real talent in the Beatles – and he certainly proves his worth here! `Back Off Boogaloo’ is better than anything Mr Lennon ever came up with and it also has a fun name. Quality throughout.

*On The Beatles “Revolver”: This is bad even by the Beatles standards. Not even Yellow Submarine or Ringo’s excellent drumming can save this one I’m afraid. Verdict: avoid.

…Comment: “Mr Williams you are THE embodiment of bad taste. One just needs to look at your reviews with Kelly Clarkson and Shakin Stevens topping your list of favorites.”

*On Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Goin’ On”: A perennial favourite of the chattering classes, I purchased this hoping for some high quality soul music of a similar style to the excellent Lighthouse Family – sadly there is no comparison. Firstly there are only 9 songs compared to a whopping 17 on the Very Best of the Lighthouse Family, so it’s easy to see where to go for value for money. Secondly, Mr Gayes’ anti war sentiments seem somewhat naïve and foolish in today’s political climate. Thirdly, Mr Gaye can’t sing and has to resort to shock tactics such as singing in a high voice like a lady in order to sell records. No wonder his career ground to a halt in the early 80’s!”

*On Mike & The Mechanics “Hits”: As much as I like Phil Collins (a lot) those in the know realised that Mike Rutherford was an even greater talent and that Mike and the Mechanics are even better than Genesis! I don’t understand how they never won any awards and never top any of the lists of the greatest songs and albums ever made. There must be a conspiracy!

…and MY comment: “ok, ok, you got me on your stone roses review. even got me a little mad. you’re either severely mentally/ aurally handicapped or a very funny man, borderline brilliant. Not sure which one yet, but i’m leaning towards the later. it takes a talent for a smart dude like yourself to sound so convincingly stupid.”

And my absolute personal favorite, Hanson’s “Middle Of Nowhere”: It’s a corker!! When these lovely ladies burst onto the scene with Mmmmbop back in the nineties it was obvious they had a classic on their hands. The other songs on this marvellous album stand up just as well and I think people will still be talking about Middle of Nowhere 100 years from now. Verdict: very good indeed.

Just one more. Mr. Williamson’s review on George Michael’s “Faith”: Considering he was one half of the excellent Wham! great things were expected from Mr Michael when he went solo. Unfortunately the pressure must have got to him as this album is a disaster. Fans of classics such as Wham Rap, Bad Boys and Club Tropicana Drinks Are Free will be bitterly disappointed. It seems obvious to me that Andrew Ridgeley had been carrying Mr Michael for years!

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