The following are my picks for the most ridiculous, pointless and downright silly “greatest hits” compilations of all time. But you know what the sad part is? People actually bought these, and they weren’t just purchased by clueless parents the day before Christmas. These tertiary musical footnotes actually had a fanbase at some point, else the greedy record companies wouldn’t have green-lighted these packages of pooh. I mean, have you even heard of Nelson? Nope, me neither. Just look at the cover below. They look like the twin sisters of Johnny and Edgar Winter! And even my beloved 80′s gave birth to the wannabe pop star/actor with the likes of Eddie Murphy, Bruce Willis and those guys from Miami Vice releasing bizarrely “not-intentionally-hilarious-but-hilarious-just-the-same” albums. Scary stuff, folks. Enter at your own risk!

When I was very young I was introduced to New Order through Power Corruption and Lies and, of course, the massive Blue Monday 12”. The year was 1983, and I was 12. Age Of Consent was the gateway song for me; the blending of rock and electronic elements was alien, bizarre and more than a little exciting for a young man who was still hooked on Queen and Steve Miller albums. These songs, in addition to the album, inevitably sent me on a scavenger hunt for similarly odd bands, and believe me when I say that in 1983 there were plenty to choose from.

I was insatiable in my quest and my tastes seemed to change every other month at that time. As a matter of fact I can pretty much pinpoint this period and this band and this album as the genesis of my rock snobdom. No one had ever heard about New Order (much less their prior band, Joy Division) and I introduced many a friend to this band via bootleg cassettes of PC&L. From there it just blossomed into a full fledged obsession, of course; no band was obscure enough for moi, talent be damned!

About 1985-‘86, the time of Low-Life and Brotherhood, I started losing interest. Their participation in the Pretty In Pink soundtrack sealed the deal for me. I deemed them unworthy of even the smallest percentage of my weekly music allowance. Alien Sex Fiend seemed like a more fitting and appropriate band to champion.

For 20 or so years the band waited for me to return, to rediscover the once revolutionary fusion of rock and techno that was New Orders trademark and legacy. The 2 disk reissues released a few years back piqued my interest and I purchased Power Corruption and Lies. What a remarkable record that was! About 10 years ago I tried listening to Substance, an early compilation of their singles, and it sounded very dated to me. But when I slipped this disk into the car stereo it sounded fantastically fresh and modern again. Amazing what time can do innit?

I was also very much aware of the downward spiral that New Order got themselves into in the ‘90’s by releasing a terrible football ‘anthem’ and a couple of sub-par long players. Their legacy seemed to be damaged somewhat so when a friend recommended Technique, the band’s 1989 house influenced-recorded-in-Ibiza album, I was skeptical to say the very least. Long story short I spotted the record in a bargain bin in Folsom and took the $2.99 risk. Glad I did, ‘cause it turns out that Technique is a bloody fantastic album! The thing is New Order were always a singles band above all else and their albums were spotty things, excepting PC and L and Low-Life, which are damn near perfect. And while Technique may rate third just below those two landmark recordings it overtakes them as being New Orders most enjoyable and listenable album. It’s also not as dated as most albums from this period and the blend of the organic and synthetic are as intact as they always were. This is an album I wished I would have discovered when it was first released way back in 1989, but oh well.

Better late than never.

Their brilliance has been forgotten and tainted by the drek they have put out since their ’91 Meisterstroke, so much so that even the kids in Ireland have immortalized them on the playground with this little ditty:

There once was a band named U2,
Who ruled and then mightily blew.
When asked, “Hey, what happened?”
The band took a crap and
Flood had someone remix their pooh.

These really speak for themselves…

Good GOD, this dude looks like one of those mutants from Escape From The Planet Of The Apes!

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kinda like this one, actually…

Is that guy on the right really 69′ing that puppet? Jeeesus!

Furious D looks an awful lot like my 4th grade gym teacher, actually. I guess the “D” stands for “DICK“

There is some careless talk about digital downloads signaling the death of the album. So before it becomes obsolete, we’d better figure out what makes the LP a thing of wonder.

History

Where did the album come from? Many assume that technology has determined the length of the release. And it is true that recording length has generally followed technological constraints: the 45-minute LP and the 70-80 minute CD. However, both of these technologies were partially guided by music, not the other way around. The speed of revolution, size and other factors of the LP were set by its developers, Colombia Records, to accommodate 45 minutes, enough time to hold the majority of classical compositions. Popular artists then began to fill up these LPs with collections of songs and, eventually, musicians from Sinatra through to the Beatles were creating full-length artistic statements. Moving forward a few decades and allegedly Beethoven’s Symphony No 9 was used to determine the length of a CD. Many artists felt pressurized to fill the entire capacity of a CD and the overlong album was born. I’ll be intrigued to see how many great albums you can name from the CD ages that are longer than 70 minutes.

So what do we need for a fully satisfying album experience?

Theme

A theme, or dare I say a concept, is going to help an album hang together. As a 14-year-old my favorites were Pink Floyd’s The Wall and Queensryche’s Operation Mindcrime, but in 2008 everyone from The Week That Was to Kanye West has released what could be termed a concept album. This can be a simple lyrical theme that unites the tracks, or it can extend into the music itself like Brian Wilson’s recurring themes in Smile’s song cycles.

Many well-known concept albums have pretty loose threads holding them together, but an overarching idea grabs the attention and is far less confusing than, say, trying to listen to Mastodon following Sibelius and Bill Withers when your iPods on shuffle mode.

A theme is often a fragile creation, sometimes existing only in the minds of the listeners having been told they are listening to a concept album. Often, it can hinge on such nebulous factors as…

The Cover

There is no doubt that well-chosen artwork and packaging can lend an album coherence that may not exist in the music itself. Black Sabbath’s first six albums form an inky black hole in my CD shelving, sucking the music into a grainy doomscape that isn’t always present in the songs. The Cure’s Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me’s red lips are impossibly fruity and lead you into a rich kaleidoscope of styles, while the equally diverse singles collection Staring at the Sea will always be a grey, wistful listen thanks to the old man giving me his eternal sad stare from the cover. The debut album by post-rockers Tortoise, wrapped in brown card, is the brownest aural experience I can imagine. If they had put a rabbit being sucked into a multi-colored galaxy on the cover, perhaps I wouldn’t have this association. Talk Talk are eternally weird and artificially exotic, like their cover art, while the Flaming Lips are normally a riot of psychedelic color. Who has the blackest album: Jay-Z, Prince or Metallica?

How it all hangs together

So does my love of a good theme exclude albums without one? Can we not admit greatest hits albums into the hall of excellence as does Garry Mulholland in his wonderful book Fear of Music? Of course we can. Even though an explicit theme makes it easier to follow an album through from start to finish, perhaps great bands automatically convey their own musical thread through their idiosyncratic style. For some this will be in the composition, for others it will be in the production. Some bands go to greater lengths than others to ensure that their compilations have some integrity. Normally this will be careful mastering and sequencing, but Madonna took it the extra mile for the Immaculate Collection, hiring Shep Pettibone to oversee the project and remix all the songs so that they hang together better.

If we are going to be purist then we shouldn’t consider Led Zeppelin’s Physical Graffiti to be a great album, as it spans recording sessions from three previous records to bump up one and a half albums’ worth of new material into a double album. Interestingly, it is easy to hear these differences, but the effect is minimized by mixing the eras up so that only two consecutive tracks (Trampled Under Foot and Kashmir) were recorded at the same sessions. However, like Pettibone’s work with Madonna, a quick glance at the credits shows that all tracks bar one were mixed or remixed with Keith Harwood at Olympic Studios, which gave the album added coherence. These days, a raft of über-producers brought together by a musical coordinator is not uncommon, but whether it leads to great albums by Gwen Stefani is open to debate.

The second reason is that a bands greatest hits are usually not my favorite tracks. Although it sounds horribly pretentious I can honestly say that I prefer a bands more obscure deep cuts to the popular choices. There are always some egregious omissions that just piss me off to no end.

The third is that the release of a greatest hits package usually signals that a band is past its prime, and for my favorite artists I don’t want to admit that that is a fact.

The forth and final is that I am, and will always be, an album sort of guy. Most albums have a consistency of mood and often reflect the era they were released, and to chop up these works of art and place them beside lesser tracks is a bit of a sacrilege.

But an awful lot of the music buying public love these “best of’s”, and I can admit that my stance has softened as of late. I recently bought the Who’s “The Ultimate Collection”. Yeah, I know that the Who, more than any other artist, has released more sub standard greatest hits packages over the years, but I decided to take a chance. The Who to me has always been a singles band. Other than Tommy, which needs to be taken as a whole, I have always considered their albums as spotty affairs. Even Quadrophenia and Who’s Next. This “ultimate” collection is a double disk set and contains virtually every non-Tommy Who song I will ever need.

So there’s a need for these kind of things, I’ll give you that. There are rules that should be followed, however, and they are:

#1. Keep it chronological

#2. Include some fan favorites and some deep album cuts.

#3. Do not, ever, include one or two “new” tracks to suck in your obsessive completest fan base. It’s a dirty tactic, and a little shameful, and these tracks always pale in comparison to the others. If you absolutely feel the need to include something ‘extra’, give us a full disk of a great live show.

#4. If possible, split up the eras. Do like the surviving members of Queen do. Volume I, II, III, etc, so I can choose.

#5. Fill up the entire 80 minute capacity on each disk. Got some room? See rule #2.

#6. Don’t release one every 3 months. If you do it right the first time you won’t have to do it again.

#7. Make the package special. Include copious liner notes, commentary, a song-by-song analysis, historical relevance essay, vintage photos of the discography, original covers, etc etc etc. Take a page out of some of the recent deluxe reissue packages. Stop with the generic shit already! These things cost money (for those of us who still buy music legally).

#8. Under no circumstance include a live or re-recorded version of a popular hit. If, do to some label licensing issue you are unable to include the original, then either just omit it or, better yet, wait until you do have permission to release it.

#9. And if you absolutely MUST make a various artists compilation, Mr. Record Company Man, make sure you have some effin’ taste. All right?

ALBUM: Funhouse

RELEASE DATE: 1970

“LAAAAAAWWWWWWDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!”

So begins TV Eye, the third track on this remarkably intense album by perhaps THE best, and certainly most important, punk rock band of all time. A joke in their time, The Stooges stock has risen phoenix-like in the 40+ years (Jesus!) since their debut (which contained the classics “I Wanna Be Your Dog” and “No Fun”), so much so that they are now regarded, rightfully so, as the grandfathers of the genre.

Even Jack White says that the Stooges second album, Funhouse, is among the best albums ever recorded, and  I agree wholeheartedly.

Consider the albums that were released in the same year as this: The Carpenters “Close To You”; Cat Stevens “Tea For The Tillerman”; Chicago’s “Chicago”; Anne Murray—shudder—“Snowbird”; Bob Dylan, “Self Portrait”, and Gordon Lightfoot’s “If You Could Read My Mind”. Can you imagine the Stooges in this mix? Like that old Sesame Street bit, “one of these things doesn’t belong.”

Only Black Sabbath’s debut and Funkadelic’s “Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow”, also released during that year, were as important as Funhouse, and although “Free Your Mind…” comes close in it’s subversive brilliance it still isn’t as cool as this one. Drummer Scott Asheton and bassist Dave Alexander bring the gigantic grooves and guitarist Ron Asheton brings the buzzbomb noize. They sound HUGE. Bigger and more badass than Bonham and Jones and twice as ornery.

This is Iggy Pop’s album, however; his maniacal howl is perfectly suited to the music, and his lyrics, while still a tad puerile, set the overall mood of the album as a whole, lending it an air of danger and insanity. Compared to the debuts murky sludge metal Funhouse sounds almost…well, funky. And other tracks, such as the title track, have a whiff of abstract jazz to ‘em thanks to the addition of a scronky saxophone.

This is musical anarchy, folks, of the highest order. Alice Cooper, who was just getting started when this album was released, was listening intently, as were thousands of disenfranchised kids from the other side of the pond…like John Lydon, for example.

New Wave is such a ridiculous term and one we all know was used by the music industry to classify the brand of pop music that came out during the above time frame. A common misconception about this type of music is that the songs and albums were made up primarily of synthesizers and drum machines, which is categorically untrue. Also, when most folks look back at the 80’s “new wave” movement I often hear cries of “one hit wonder!”, and while that decade did give birth to a number of those I challenge any one of you out there to tell me a decade that didn’t.

There were some fantastic songs released back then, and some of the bands that released them are still going strong today; others still are finally being recognized as ‘influential’. It is no longer an un-cool thing to say you came of age during the ‘80’s, and to celebrate the many musical wonders of this much maligned decade I give you my list of the top “new wave” songs of all time below.

One caveat, though. This list is subjective. What I consider “new wave”, you may not. For instance, I don’t consider The Smiths, Elvis Costello, Nick Lowe or Joe Jackson “New Wave”, along with many others, so although I adore these artists to no end you will not see them on my list. Nor will you see Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers, who were branded new wave from the get-go, as baffling as that may now sound. Nor will you see some of the K-Tel types that some would say typified this genre, such as A Flock Of Seagulls or Duran Duran. The reason? I didn’t listen to them back then. The below list does typify what I listened to back then. As a matter of fact I probably had these very tracks on a series of mixed tapes!

So here we go, in no particular order!

 Pop Music, M

 Kings Of The Wild Frontier, Adam And The Ants

 Everything Counts, Depeche Mode

 Golden Brown, The Stranglers

 The Perfect Kiss, New Order

Enola Gay, OMD

 Video Killed The Radio Star, The Buggles

Heart Of Glass, Blondie

Psycho Killer, Talking Heads

Rip It Up, Orange Juice

Cars, Gary Numan

Driver’s Seat, Sniff ‘n’ The Tears

Making Plans For Nigel, XTC

Changeling, Simple Minds

Good Times Roll, The Cars

Don’t Stand So Close To Me, The Police

 Brass In Pocket, The Pretenders

Partytime, Jazz Butcher

One Of Our Submarines, Thomas Dolby

 West End Girls, Pet Shop Boys

Everyday Is Halloween, Ministry

 Mexican Radio, Wall Of Voodoo

Living In China, Men Without Hats

Ball Of Confusion, Love And Rockets

Radio Silence, Blue Peter

Life In A Northern Town, Dream Academy

Vienna, Ultravox

Situation, Yaz

 In Between Days, The Cure

 Ca Plane Pour Moi, Plastic Betrand

Kiss Me, Tin Tin

Bella Lagosi’s Dead, Bauhaus

Saved By Zero, The Fixx

 I Love You, Yello

Life In The Gladhouse, Modern English

 The Look Of Love, ABC

This Is The Day, The The

I Got You, Split Enz

 Squeeze, Another Nail In My Heart, Squeeze

Dominion (Mother Russia), Sisters Of Mercy

Starting with the debut, then: Look Sharp! was my introduction to the man and the track Sunday Papers is the reason I started playing the bass guitar. It’s (the album) got reggae, humor, bitterness, plenty of pop hooks (like the massive hit Is She Really Going Out With Him?, One More Time, Look Sharp and Pretty Girls) and guitars, guitars, guitars. But the overall emotion here is jealousy. One look at the lyric sheet will tell you that. Witness an example from Happy Loving Couples:

“I’ve just been to see my best friend
He’s got another girl
Says she’s just about the best thing
In the whole damn world

And he says can’t you see what the little lady’s done for me
Says it like he thinks I’m blind
But the things that you see ain’t necessarily the things you can find

But those
Happy loving couples make it look so easy
Happy loving couples always talk so kind
Until the time that I can do my dancing with a partner
Those happy couples ain’t no friends of mine”

Jackson followed up with I’m The Man, a virtual clone of the debut but no less successful. More power pop than anything he’s done since it nevertheless contains some of his finest songs, like the beautiful and sad It’s Different For Girls. On Your Radio and the title track are two of my favorite “let’s rock with abandon” Joe Jackson tracks, and most of the others, although slightly slighter, follow suit.

Time for Joe’s first left turn. Beat Crazy, released in 1980, embraces reggae, ska and even a bit of dub, as was the trend of the time, and this album is only a tad less successful than the first two in that it lacks any real standout songs, although the title tune is fantastically catchy. This marks the album that he started toying with jazz elements, too, as on One To One.

My favorite album from this period is Jumpin’ Jive, in which Jackson immerses himself in the swing of Cab Calloway and Louis Jordan. The commitment to authenticity is impressive, and his vocals suit the music well. The tunes he chooses to cover were all fantastic to begin with but he is able to put his own stamp on virtually all of them. The best thing about this album, and why it remains my favorite to this day, is that it’s consistent in tone and tune. Jackson’s albums, especially after 1983, can be inconsistent affairs. Jumpin’ Jive, however, is one genre exercise that works quite well.

Night And Day was Jackson’s break out album, spawning two huge hits in Steppin’ Out and Breaking Us In Two. It’s his ode to Manhattan, which means the albums mood simply oozes class by utilizing a bit of lounge, a bit of Latin jazz and a bit of classic pop. The original after hours record, in other words; a record to listen to at 2am with a gin martini looking out at the New York skyline from a penthouse (the cover sketch says it all, doesn’t it?). Joe Jackson toured this album by opening up for the Who, and I remember him getting booed off the stage. I don’t think he ever fully recovered from that horrible experience, and I don’t think he ever did another album to top this one, although Volume 4 comes pretty close.

Mike’s Murder, the soundtrack to a simply awful movie, followed. Side one contains songs in the vein of Night and Day. Some of his best material is found here, such as the driving Memphis, Cosmopolitan (which should have been on Night And Day), and 1-2-3 Go (This Town’s A Fairground). Side II contains 3 instrumental tracks, none of which are particularly earth shattering. As far as I know they have never seen fit to release this record on CD or MP3 format, and it’s a bitch to even find the vinyl version. If they ever release this again I’ll be first in line to purchase it.

Techno, prog, punk, new-wave, no-wave, psychedelic, poppy, weird, Welsh, druggy, scatological, intelligent, political, silly and artistic are a few choice words I’d use to describe this unclassifiable band. However, the word that makes more sense when you’re talking about the Furries discography is IMPORTANT.

Since 1996 the Super Furry Animals have released 9 proper albums, one out takes collection and one singles compilation. All save one have been brilliant, and the sub-par one ain’t the out takes collection, and even it is miles better than most of the drek released commercially today.

They are Europe’s answer to The Flaming Lips. Both bands have a seemingly endless supply of creativity, a good sense of humor; their albums contain elements of electro/prog/psych/pop/punk and they both have an enigmatic and entertaining front man and key songwriter.

Their albums don’t always reveal their charms right away. Like the best albums it takes repeat listening sessions to recognize the greatness. Each album feels radically different from the other, but the one thing that is the same from album to album is the bands eclecticism and ability to challenge themselves creatively. One song might sound like the Orb, the next might sound like some forgotten Motown number, the next may remind you of NEU! You never know, and you always know, what you’re getting when you buy a Super Furry Animals album.

You will become obsessed with this band once you’ve had a taste.

You’ve been warned.

And for what it’s worth I have ranked my favorite SFA albums below…

#1. Guerrilla

#2. Radiator

#3. Phantom Power

#4. Dark Days, Light Years

#5. Love Kraft

#6. Fuzzy Logic

#7. Rings Around The World

#8. Outspaced

#9. MWNG

#10. Hey Venus